I guess this is growing up...

I just watched "With Honors" (Brendan Fraser, I had a huge crush on him back in the day). It's about college students and a house where they all live. Lots of other things, but that's what struck me. Their age, the way they act and interact at that time. 

It was something that I first watched when I was about 15. I really liked it, and watched it quite a few times. I remember it being something that I looked forward to, before my life began, before things really started. They were so cool. And grownup. I was in awe of their world, their life. 

Watching it now has been emotional. I'm now past those times. It's this strange mix of remembering how it felt at 15 looking forward to my life, and remembering my twenties. I had big houses that I stayed in, roommates and friends. We'd run around, goofy and unsure. I had so much fun, and when viewed in snippets, it would make quite the movie.  

But I never dreamed of life in my thirties. Never got that far, past the wild college years. And now that I am  I guess I'm feeling strange. My exciting years have past, and I don't really know what to do with myself. I have goals: I want to get healthy, lose weight, make money. But they're not the same as dreams. I had dreams growing up. So many, so fun. Now I don't know. I'm not sure if I want kids. I may want a house, but where? I do want a husband, but later, I guess. 

It's like, I've gotten here. I've grown up. And what now? It's not the end, but it's not the beginning, either. It's not that I'm unhappy with my life. I have stresses and very unpleasant things that keep me awake at night, but it's more than that. I don't dream, I don't have crushes, I don't imagine how amazing my life could get. And I know that's normal and that's what happens when you grow up, but I feel like I'm mourning my wide-eyed, daydreaming self.