When Sheep Just Don't Cut It

I've always had issues sleeping. It usually takes me between 1 and 2 hours to get to sleep. If there is stress or excitement it could just be a battle all night. You'd think I would have tried the gamut of sleep aids by now, but actually have hardly delved.

The reason for this is that I have a distrust for drugs. It took me years to start taking asprin for aches and headaches, I had always opted for just dealing with the pain. I tell people that I get too drowsy the next day when I take sleep aids, but in actuality this is just the theory I have and I don't know if it's true. I did try melatonin for awhile, but heard something negative about it somewhere and stopped using it.

The thing is that I truly believe my sleep issues could be solved through naturopathic means, both herbs and diet. The problem comes from my inability to put these into play. When trying to solve health issues by natural means, it takes time and determination. You can't pop a pill and make it go away, you have to stick to it and live with the discomfort for awhile before you can even expect any sort of change.

So since I don't have the stamina and willpower for a natural approach, but I don't believe in taking drugs for it, I do nothing and am plagued with insomnia and low energy from it.

It's absurd, I know. The worst part is that I tend to use this model of thinking in many areas of my life. I end up locking into a state of inaction rather than taking an action that I believe in but find difficult or easy but immoral.

I suppose this is why I find the self-help phrase "knowing is half the battle" so frustrating. Knowing, in my case, does squat. And may even be detrimental, since if I didn't think about it I would probably just take the easy way and move forward.

With that, I'll make another attempt at sleep. And tomorrow I will break down and get some Advil PM, goddamnit.

Dreams, serial killers, childhood nightmares

So I had this dream last night about a serial killer. He is was very rich, lives in on a large estate and lures his victims to him before killing and eating them. It was a very realistic dream. So last night I wake up 3 times from this dream, and each time go right back into it.

I mean, why can't that ever happen with good dreams? Good dreams you can never get back into them, but this dream. This dream was waiting for me each time I closed me eyes. Granted it got less scary each time. Most of it was spent on the estate, running from this guy, trying to keep him from killing me. The second bits got more proactive: finding out ways to get away, working with other people to make escape plans.

Thing is I have an irrational fear of serial killers. Not that it's irrational to fear them, more that it's irrational to imagine them coming after you at night. The first time I ever thought of it was when I was young, 9 or 10. I lived out in the country down a long, winding driveway. I remember one night when the moon was really bright I imagined that a man was slowly making his way down that driveway towards the house. He wasn't a robber, or anything like that. He wasn't anyone we knew, he was just coming to kill us.

I think this fear was based in fact. Not that anyone ever attacked our house or even came down our road, but the news of the time was all about a serial killer in Spokane, WA, which was 3 hours away. I don't remember any details at the time, but you hear things and see things and while I was living there he was never caught. It took them 10 years to finally get him, and he had killed 16 women during that time.

So between this and me having an amazing imagination, I was terrified of serial killers as a child. And apparently still am.

But no more dreams about them. K?